The Complete Fisher Forum Forum Index The Complete Fisher Forum
Social, Fly, Coarse and Sea Fishing with Fly Tying
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   Referral CenterReferral Center    CalendarCalendar    RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in   ChatChat    Fisheries DatabaseFisheries   Donate    RSS Feed
http://www.thornwoodtroutfishery.com/

Jokes
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 139, 140, 141 ... 143, 144, 145  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic       The Complete Fisher Forum Forum Index -> Non Fishing Stuff -> CFF Breweries - The Turtle's Head
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Whistlekiller
Site Admin
User is Offline


Joined: 23 Aug 2007
Posts: 7404
Location: In The Loft

PostPosted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 8:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


_________________

SKB Web - SKB Fly Fishing
SKB Facebook - SKB Facebook
CFF Facebook - CFF Facebook
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Phoogle Map
ChrisNicholls
4,000 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 09 Apr 2006
Posts: 4548
Location: Surrey

PostPosted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 7:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was driving home down the motorway the other day with the wife and she piped up;

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales"
"Why is that?" i asked....

"Well the kids are writing on the window and it says......

STIT ROUY SU WOHS
_________________
"The measure of a good fisherman is not what he catches but how he enjoys the moment" - Richard Walker
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Phoogle Map
smiffy
1,000 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 01 Dec 2007
Posts: 1027
Location: bedfordshire uk

PostPosted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Phoogle Map
Bazza
4,000 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 11 Apr 2006
Posts: 4705
Location: New Zealand

PostPosted: Sat Apr 24, 2010 7:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in
the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce
an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomberwould receive after his death will be cut by 25%
this February from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in
recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage
of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs, (B.O.O.M.),
responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately
balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working
themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be
treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides,
Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,"We sympathize with our workers'
concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are not
accepting the realities of modern-day Jihadin a competitive marketplace".

"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like
cutting pension benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be
able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland,Wales and the entire
Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations in anyway
whatsoever as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway".

NB altho humourous the final paragraph deleted in the interests of good taste!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Phoogle Map
fredaevans
2,500 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 10 Apr 2006
Posts: 2588
Location: White City, Oregon USA

PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 12:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bazza wrote:


NB altho humourous the final paragraph deleted in the interests of good taste!


Ah common. Very Happy
_________________
Fred Evans
Darkest Southern Oregon
USA
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Phoogle Map
wull
500 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 09 Apr 2006
Posts: 528

PostPosted: Thu May 06, 2010 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A GLASGOW GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world....

The first man married a Filipino girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Glasgow. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Phoogle Map
ChrisNicholls
4,000 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 09 Apr 2006
Posts: 4548
Location: Surrey

PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says:

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couln't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty I could bend it about forty-five degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."



"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"



"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
_________________
"The measure of a good fisherman is not what he catches but how he enjoys the moment" - Richard Walker
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Phoogle Map
Whistlekiller
Site Admin
User is Offline


Joined: 23 Aug 2007
Posts: 7404
Location: In The Loft

PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 4:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a bugger isn't it Chris? Twisted Evil


_________________

SKB Web - SKB Fly Fishing
SKB Facebook - SKB Facebook
CFF Facebook - CFF Facebook
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Phoogle Map
ChrisNicholls
4,000 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 09 Apr 2006
Posts: 4548
Location: Surrey

PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Enraged at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
_________________
"The measure of a good fisherman is not what he catches but how he enjoys the moment" - Richard Walker
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Phoogle Map
beatnik69
750 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 782
Location: Northern Ireland

PostPosted: Fri Jul 09, 2010 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man City have made a £45 million bid for Raoul Moat. They don't know who he is but heard that everyone's after him.
_________________
Born to fish, forced to Work!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Phoogle Map
ChrisNicholls
4,000 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 09 Apr 2006
Posts: 4548
Location: Surrey

PostPosted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's not even RaoulMoat'ly funny Wink
_________________
"The measure of a good fisherman is not what he catches but how he enjoys the moment" - Richard Walker
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Phoogle Map
Bazza
4,000 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 11 Apr 2006
Posts: 4705
Location: New Zealand

PostPosted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The dyslexic bankrobber

A dyslexic decided he would rob a bank so prepared himself with
a hooded mask & a gun loaded with one round that he intended
to fire into the ceiling for dramatic effect.

He slipped the mask on as he burst into the bank ... fired the gun
at the ceiling ... then shouted :-

"Air in the hands motherstickers ... this is a f**k up !!!!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Phoogle Map
Bazza
4,000 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 11 Apr 2006
Posts: 4705
Location: New Zealand

PostPosted: Mon Jul 12, 2010 1:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A short weed of a guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an

hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink,
gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare
as if to say, "What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says.
"I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a grown man crying."


"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.

"I can't do anything right.

I overslept and was late to an important meeting so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have
any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home."

He continues crying even harder.

"Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So, I came to this Bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my
life, and then ....

"You show up and drink the bloody poison."


Last edited by Bazza on Tue Jul 13, 2010 6:58 pm; edited 8 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Phoogle Map
Bazza
4,000 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 11 Apr 2006
Posts: 4705
Location: New Zealand

PostPosted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Entered a quiz competition held at the local pub last night.

I was doing quite well, (clever as I am) easily being able to answer most of the questions.

I lost out on winning the game by one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"




Apparently it's Africa.


.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Phoogle Map
Bazza
4,000 Post Club
User is Offline


Joined: 11 Apr 2006
Posts: 4705
Location: New Zealand

PostPosted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 5:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote



Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Phoogle Map
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic       The Complete Fisher Forum Forum Index -> Non Fishing Stuff -> CFF Breweries - The Turtle's Head All times are GMT
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 139, 140, 141 ... 143, 144, 145  Next
Page 140 of 145

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

This board is protected by Phpbbantispam
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group